Twists & Turns.

So, things are different. “Home” is where I am seemingly finding myself. However, this is not my home. Yes, I’ve lived here for over 18 years, and yes, my family is here, and yes, I love the kitchen, but that’s where the happiness ends. 

Missing people and places and opportunities has me feeling a bit angry. And by that I mean a lot angry. I am burning in anger. I want to lash out. Please don’t get me wrong; I am not usually a violent individual. 

I feel like I’m in some sort of hick movie. This town is full of people with dreams no bigger than milking cows, driving a sweet-ass car, and living in a huge-ass house. Oh, and EVERYONE eats endless amounts of meat. You don’t like hummus? Please thoroughly enjoy your upcoming heart attack. 

I am very aware of my current sass and agitation at being here. I miss my friends, my church, my tiny room, my freedom, my own bathroom, my lofted bed, and about a million other things I could ramble on and on about. 

I HATE DRIVING. 

Oh, you need to go to the store? Drive 20 miles. Oh, you need to make some money? Drive 20 miles. Oh, you want to see your friends? Drive ten plus miles. Oh, we’re going out for dinner (to an establishment that offers absolutely no vegetarian dishes nonetheless)? Drive 30 miles. 

NO, I HATE DRIVING. I WANT TO SLEEP FOREVER SO I DON’T HAVE TO KILL THE WORLD WITH IT’S OWN INNOVATIONS. 

People have no care for our world, its land, its water, or its residents. You enjoy living in a culture of death? That explains your incessant negative actions toward everyone you meet. 

Many apologies for this outburst. 

I just want to be away from here. I want to make my own decisions and not have to live with the people who stand for nearly everything I loathe. 

Just think, this is the last time I’ll ever be living at home. Less than three months and it will all be over. 

I can handle it. 

Meanwhile, I will put forth every effort to not punch a wall. 

Don’t be confused by my title up there. I haven’t been this happy in ages. Actually, I don’t know if I’ve ever been this happy in my entire life. 

The reason I haven’t blogged for so long?

That’s exactly why I’m happy. I stopped trying to change things for myself and started relying on God. Guess what? JESUS WORKS MIRACLES. 

I am transformed. I can feel the power of the Holy Spirit working within me. Yes, I have a long way to go. Yes, this is a journey that will continue on throughout my entire life, but yes, I am one-hundred percent strapped in and ready for the ride. 

There is a small downer though. I mean, when putting it into context, it’s not really a downer at all; it’s more of a positive thing. But I’m lonely. 

Yes, I have awesome friends who are there for me and understand me completely and have an amazing relationship with God. AND I AM SO BLESSED FOR HAVING THESE FRIENDS. 

The rest of the world isn’t quite on board with this whole salvation thing though. The rest of the world likes to sit by and ignore Jesus’s presence in our lives. The rest of the world, to be quite frank, just really frustrates me. 

How can you be so exposed to God’s goodness and just ignore it?

How can you see it EVERYWHERE and just let it slip through your fingers?

I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how you can go on living your life for a purpose that clearly isn’t your purpose (or even a purpose, in that case). 

It sounds silly to you, but it breaks my heart. I hate seeing the pain in others. Sometimes I can feel the pain in their hearts just by looking in their eyes. It kills me. 

I want to help you. I want to love you. I want to pick you up and carry you to the gates of heaven. 

I’d say the majority of people would refuse the offer though. The majority of people think I’m some crazy church freak looking for a crutch. Like church is my thing, or my niche, or what have you. 

So sometimes I get a little lonely. I get a little sad because I want to save the world, but I am only human after all. 

I can try to save bits and pieces, and I guess I’ll have to settle for that. 

However, this brings me back to an example from the weekend. (Well, it extends farther than the weekend, but I shall explain.)

I used to detest the whole Catholic faith. So many rules and issues and controversies. However, things have changed, I’ve changed, and my Catholic faith is the most important thing in my life right now in terms of how it has affected my relationship with Jesus. I cannot imagine marrying a man who doesn’t share this same faith. I cannot even fathom bearing children and NOT raising them in the Catholic faith. Yes, there has always been things about Catholics that I don’t like, but I’ve learned it’s more about the specific families than the religion in general. 

So, with that being said, to include a little blast from the past, I used to love making out. Give me a boy to kiss and I would go head over heels. I’m not sure if that was due to my complete lack of maturity or my lack of faith, but I’ll blame a mixture of the two. 

Right now I’m not at the point in my life where I think making out is awesome. I feel like 17 year-olds think making out is awesome. I don’t want to kiss you, or hold your hand, or whatever else you have in mind. 

I want to get to know you. I want to know your heart, your passions, your dreams, your flaws, your memories. I want to know you inside and out. I want to go to mass with you and pray with you and know that God destined us to be together. 

Most people say that’s never going to happen.

I have faith. I know it’s going to happen. AND I AM NOT SETTLING. 

If it doesn’t happen, I will fully devote my life to God instead because I know that’s his purpose for me. 

So, what I’m trying to say is, I like you, you’re a nice guy, and I would love to be friends with you, but no, I don’t want to have a relationship, much less a physical one, at this point in time. We can be friends. We can hang out. I would love to listen to you and pray for you and be there for you. 

But keep in mind, I’m holding out for God’s version of the perfect guy for me. And I can be pretty stubborn, so don’t think you’re going to change my mind. 

I guess what I’m really trying to convey here is that I don’t mind the loneliness so much. It hurts at times, but it’s a sacrifice for being closer to Jesus Christ. 

I just wish you would come closer too. I wish you would let me carry you. 

I WANT TO DO THIS. I NEED A KITCHEN.

thehealthyfoodie:

Peanut Butter Pornorama

All natural home made peanut butter. So easy to make and so much cheaper than buying it ready made. Be careful though. Making nut butter at home is highly addictive and may cause you to want to have a whole variety of them at all times! 

I got a 95 on my first English paper. 

Not going to lie, I felt pretty darn good about it. 

Although, at the same time, I feel like our educational system has gone downhill. 

We had to peer-review two other papers in our class; the ones I read barely contained competent sentences. Did a fifth grader write them?

I don’t understand this. 

We are all freshman in college. I feel as if my paper could have used a lot more work, and yet, I got an A just because everyone else’s paper was awful. 

I don’t want to get an A because my work is better. 

I want to get an A because I deserve an A. 

With all this grade inflation these days, how will I ever know if I actually deserve an A? 

America,  you need an upheaval in so many ways. 

we are all beautiful. 

cey-lon:

Panther chameleon - Madagascar (by Jamie Crawford)

I feel good. 

I’m keeping my head up.

Keeping Jesus’s arms wrapped around me. 

Let the positive thoughts flow. 

So changing my life doesn’t seem to be going to well. 

Things are going to change. 

I’ve said it a million times, but today I’m believing it. 

Tomorrow I’m believing it, and every day from here on out I’m believing it. 

I want to be me. 

I can change the person I’ve been pretending to be into the real me. 

It will take some getting used to. 

It will certainly be a challenge. 

BUT I can be whoever I want to be. 

Other people don’t have to accept it, or embrace it, or even respect it, but I will do all those things for myself. 

I will love myself. 

I have a lot of great aspects. After all, I’m smart, hardworking, dependable, respectful, a good listener, and I love learning. I love being there for people; I like to laugh and hope to make others do so at some point in time. I like to smile and say “good morning sunshine” to grumpy-looking people. I like to paint meaningless pictures and send my friends odds and ends in the mail. THE REAL MAIL. 

My family hasn’t always been there to support me, but they’ve also been my solid foundation through the hard times. They understand me better than anyone else. We have the same roots, the same origin. I love and adore them. And maybe I’ve said many times that I don’t want to be like them, but in many ways I do. I want to work hard for my family like they’ve done for us. 

Running is my passion. I love to run. I want to run a marathon. And I know I can do it. 

And yes, I’m struggling with this eating disorder. I’m not in denial about it. I refuse to pretend like it’s not a part of me anymore. But I can deal with this. I can get through this. 

I’ve got Jesus on my side. 

I’ve got tons of other people in my corner of the ring, decked with gloves and ready to fight. 

Tomorrow is always a new day. 

The key is: I’M MAKING MY NEW DAY COUNT. 

I’m going to be exactly who I want to be from here on out. 

It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be really fucking hard, but I can do anything through God who gives me strength. 

I CAN DO IT. 

I’m going to run the race to win. 

So cheers to day zero, a new beginning, a new dream, and the real me. 

Oftentimes I want to rip my body apart. 

darksilenceinsuburbia:

Hannah Ward. Comfort.

http://Hannahwardstudio.com

I’m going to buy one in the next few weeks.

Look it up.

Save the planet. 

I’ve cried so many times about my future living situation. 

I’ve cried and cried and talked to my mom and cried some more. 

And then I step back, 

take a look at my perspective, 

and cry some more. 

I’m crying because I might not get to live where I want.

There are people who don’t get to live anywhere. 

There are people who cannot physically afford to have a home. 

Still crying. 

And what makes it so much worse is that now I hate myself on the inside and I just want to eat until I explode. I’m a horrible person. 

Trying to work through this sucks. 

It really, really, really sucks. 

Deep breath. 

Everything happens for a reason. 

God will not give me more than I can handle. 

My past is enough proof of how God can convince me of how strong I am.

I just need God.

I don’t need food.

Or a home.

Or any of the other shit I tend to cry about.

I need God, a purpose, and love.

Let’s start from there.